@VerifiedDrunk: Life is full of people you can't have and people you don't want.
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@truegritrumble: HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.
@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
@goolicker: There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails, but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
@jordan_stratton: SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there. ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?