Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.