Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
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do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
They’re on their honeymoon
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho