[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.