life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
You Might Also Like
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
S O O N
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.