Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
United Steaks of America
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”