Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Social distancing in Australia:
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
the short answer to this question
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!