Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My dating profile:
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.