Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Hero horse inspires millions
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown