Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared