Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing