Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses