Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
You Might Also Like
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.