I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Ironic
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.