Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.