What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
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Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.