Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
You Might Also Like
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.