Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
How do dragons blow out candles?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’