My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
You Might Also Like
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available