What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!