If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.