@TechnicallyRon: Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can't ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me
@slaughthie: Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I'm crying alone in parking lots.
@Stalker_Clown: I'm not looking for a TC, I'm looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn't ask questions.
@hippieswordfish: ME: i thought i saw a new color today WIFE: wait- is this..are you.. M: but it- W: oh no M: was just- W: dont M: a pigment of my imagination