Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.