Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
You Might Also Like
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
yeah 😭
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber