DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
In case you needed to hear it:
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.