Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
me and the Superbowl rn
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
😂😂😂
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My background check bounced.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings