Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Best seat on the street 😍
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.