Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
definitely did not do anything wrong
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Good boy 😂😂
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.