LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
😂💯
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire