@Vice_Queen: LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don't want to explain to the Paramedics.
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@HatfieldAnne: If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
@KellyMeldrum: It would be easier on everyone if my kids' teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
@KeetPotato: [wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things i asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy
@slaughthie: I got called "vein" and I'm just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you