LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
You Might Also Like
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Seductively sings in Klingon.