Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Feel. He’s so soft.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]