Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
You Might Also Like
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“Why you watching this shit?”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again