@CruisinSoozan: Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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@behindyourback: Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
@GeminiJew: If you don't know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can't be friends.
@XplodingUnicorn: [church] 1-year-old: *throws a tantrum* Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown. Wife: Nuclear power plants? Me: Second worst place.