Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.