a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Omg 🤣
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Go girl power!
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working