5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower