Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
i dont have time for this
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.