Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Found my door mat
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives