Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems