@MouthOfSass: Life tip: If you're curious if you've gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.
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@gigglegirlnoel: Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
@nbadag: [me giving tour of city landmarks] and on your left you'll see a corgi in a bandana—he's not part of the tour but let's go get a closer look
@DirtMcTurd: "We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name" Shamcrap?! "Awful" Shampoop?! "Get out!" Shampoo? "Genius!"
@carlyken: [lawyer whispers to plaintiff] two can play this game "Your honor. Upsexy." Judge: what's upsexy? "that's harassment. move to change venues"