*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
#parenting
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak