Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
peep davidson
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.