@AmishPornStar1: Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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@daisy_gi11: Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he "really needs scissors, like right now!"?
@Bandersnaaatch: Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
@slimmy_shady: In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him"Hi, how are you"? "Sorry I don't speak Chinese" Great. I've raised a douche!
@runolgarun: *TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*