@AmishPornStar1: Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: But what will I eat? Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods* Me: Nutritionist: Me: But what will I eat?
@perfect_messs: All the women in the office were cooing over pictures of my co-worker’s new baby, but when I try to show them the 27 pictures of my new baby, no one was very impressed. “But its a coffee maker AND an espresso maker all in one,” I sob as a sulk dejectedly back to my desk.
@ruinedpicnic: parent: why did you do this to my child willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won