@AmishPornStar1: Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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@JennyPentland: "When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?" Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
@junejuly12: Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
@ShitJokes: My friend keeps saying, "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
@swiftenhaal: I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.