Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Ah yes. The three genders
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
LOL
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Now, where’s the sport in that?