@kellysdf: Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.
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@awkwardphilippe: [creating humans] God: They will have a powerful immune system Assistant: Boring God: ok some will die from eating a peanut A: Nice, nice
@pmclellan: So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.