@kellysdf: Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.
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@AdderallMomma: Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
@GhantaGuy: It's so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don't accept your friend request.
@david8hughes: [wife crosses out another baby name off the list] What? What's wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
@BuckyIsotope: "Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?" *sounds of sawing* Oh no *backyard is filled with dads building a deck* Get the hose