me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
the official breakfast of 2021
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Shortcut
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.