The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
the icebreaker
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity