@kellysdf: Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.
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@Pumpkinbabypie: HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner? Me: Roast Chicken. HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home? Me: yes, a roast chicken.
@iAmDelFreaky: I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora. Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.
@ItsAndyRyan: "Whats your biggest weakness?" "I'm bad at taking compliments" "Actually that's quite endearing" *Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: Which academic course did you find most difficult? Me: spinach Interviewer: you mean Spanish? Me: exactly