Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
SPLOOT
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.