Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Thursday Thought.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
britain’s three elite institutions
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.