@Gwinifer: Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you're going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.
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@Beerhaze: Doing the splits is easy -- slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
@bingowings14: Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you. Snail: It all happened so fast.
@kumailn: What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like "I tried to stab my friend" & his opponents are like "no you didn't."
@VintageBabe1212: Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.