Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE