I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
What about a To-Don’t List?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?