Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.