Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
…..pretty much.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.