Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Yep.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.