fixed it
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I think about this a lot
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
one last job