Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Easy enough.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.