@FilthyRichmond: Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
@leechee420: Listen google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like."
@huntigula: Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body! I want the procedure, doc. Dr.: Very well. Just relax.. *puts bow on Pacman's head
@pinupteacher: WAITER: Would you like any dessert? DATE: No, just the ch- ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.