Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more